The Cholesterol Police Woman

Here Mrs. T researches the latest information on the dietary failings of the American Public and her husband in particular. She is a member of an elite organization known as the C.P.A. That stands for the Cholesterol Police Association. Their #1 goal is to weed out artery blocking fat in the American diet.

Although by the standards of the C.P.A. I am somewhat of a slacker, I do try to buttress my case for eating with flavor. I  believe the phrases "low fat" and "fat free"  on food are synonomous with the word "tasteless." Here is some evidence I recently unearthed from a well known nutritional scientist, Dr. Feelgood. He is the author of the best seller "Comfort Food."

Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste you time on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; it's like saying you can extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chops can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: I can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food a is fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it get's bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" AND.....For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Needless to say Mrs. T finds my thought on dietary habits unacceptable. In any case,  Troutbirder sez, "somebody has got to keep Pfizers multi-zillion dollar profits going and me and Lipitor are working hard at it."